You know, you could have just figured out this brilliant ‘tip-in-cash’ scheme without the need to class it as a ‘real worry’. The funny part is that this guy gets one response to his post – one – which reads, in full:

Oh, great. Your advice is to follow the OP’s suggestion and tip with cash? I’m glad you took the effort to find your way on to the internet, buddy. My advice?

Having solved bzz08′s pizza crisis, I was emboldened, and decided that my quest to provide the light of knowledge must continue for the good of mankind. I stumbled upon a plaintive plea from one 2Tiffany2 and knew this was a case crying out for my analytical skills.

“I nearly almost bleed when I do a poo”… TOO MUCH INFORMATION. (Poo much information?) So many jokes, so little time! I’m going to take the high route and let you imagine your own punchlines. I suppose you have to sympathise – bleeding out the arse would indeed be ‘pretty embarrassing’.

It is always preferable not to tear one’s sexual partner a new arsehole because of a lax manicuring regime. With this in mind, I proposed an organic and hygienic method of preparation.

nmd really should have called the Ghostbusters.

A spooky bathroom, ladies and gentlemen, a spooky bathroom. The horror, the horror! jan59 is one of the first to offer some reassuring words to our nervous friend.

thanks, jan59. Helpful words indeed if nmd is attacked and savaged by a psychotic killer. Strangely, nmd had not posted again on the site after the date of her topic post… And it was then that I, master of deduction, came to a horrifying conclusion:

The user profiles of reallyworried.com provide an insight into the fevered, easily distracted mind of an average site contributor. jan59‘s post list makes for interesting reading. Here is an edited list of her particular highlights.

The website also boasts some famous clientele – see here and also here. The users of the site seriously, and somewhat touchingly, seem to believe that Heather Mills is regularly asking for their advice.

I decided that this was the perfect opportunity to get the answers to some of the some of the questions and worries that had been troubling me so.

I shall let you, my dear readers, know of any answers I receive as and when I get them! Until next time, though, stay safe and watch out for any spooky bathrooms you may encounter.

This doesn’t look good.

Notice immediately the instense awfulness of the illustration, and the ability of characters to speak in italics and bold. These will become a recurring features, never fear! All ethnic characters skin tones are rendered as if they are all infected with smallpox pustules.

It’s about to get interesting though – in the second panel two fifty- foot women have exciting news for Susy!

Are they all supposed to look like they are made out of dough in the first panel? They are the three ugliest characters imaginably, and yes, they’re our heroines! Oh joy unconfined. Something about the scenario doesn’t quite ring true either… the new next door neighbour Amir has been chatting Pasty and Token (as they shall be referred to henceforth) up with Islam? Smooth moves, Casanova.

Seriously, what the hell’s with the eyepatch? Why does Grandpa look like a 1930′s Southern slave- owner? He looks like he should be sat on the back porch smoking a pipe whipping his plucky Negro slaves. Imagining he’s Carter Pewterschmitt from Family Guy makes all his dialogue more amusing.

In the first panel, Carter’s head and shoulders are floating in a gigantic steaming cup of tea. I have no idea why.

Is religion all these kids talk about? Amir with his Islam, Susy with her Jesus…                But wait! the plot thickens. There’s danger afoot. It must be real danger to warrant italics and bold!

In the second panel Susy prepares for the straitjacket that inevitably awaits her at some point in the future.

 More random bold italics flung around here. Don’t ever trust those girls! I heard they give out on a first date. Carter promises to tell what he knows and proceeds to get his shit wrong in the first sentence – I’m pretty sure Allah is God? Oh well, nice try buddy.

The last sentence sounds like football commentary. “The big man who set it up is called the prophet Mohammed… you can see him coming round, over the defender at the far post – good leap, great header and it’s a simple tap- in for Rooney in the middle!”

 Grandpa is ageing by the minute it seems and now looks like an elderly one- eyed Hitler impersonator. But, yeah, I’d totally trust his views on the veracity of the fundamentals of a religion worshipped by at least a billion people worldwide. Susy is all ears. I’d actualy say she’s no ears at all and all eyes, ha!… Ooops, sorry, that’s not a good joke to make around Grandpa, is it? Oooh… ouch.

 So… that’s ALL you know about Islam, then, Grandpa? Yes, a very detailed and convincing argument. I have no intention of debating theology with you, Grandpa Hitler-Pewtershmitt, but I’m pretty sure you’re wrong.

Pasty’s eyes have migrated apart several inches overnight, it would appear. She kind of looks like the bastard love child of Gollum and Roger Rabbit. And do you really just say some magic words to become Muslim – a ‘say-Candyman-three-times-whilst-looking-into-the-mirror’ kind of deal? 

Susy’s hand is deformed as hell. It looks like a slab of meat with stubby tentacles being waved on the end of a pole. I like to think she’s performing a John McClane-esque dive between her friends and the heresy of Amir. Her oratory talents get even better – she can vocally underline words now, and change the size of her font! This girl’s going places! As long as those places are a long way from where I am.

Token’s smallpox is definitely getting worse.   

This is the same Amir that Pasty described as ‘cute’ earlier on, right? Well, yes, if your idea of cute is a pair of enormous, wonky, hate- filled eyes and a mouth twisted into a grotesque sneer. We get two questions that Susy damn well knows the answer to. I haven’t got time for this crap, Susy. Get to the point! Amir is amazed by Susy’s extensive knowledge of Islam. I get the feeling Amir would be amazed by a plastic bag dancing in the wind, or a funny shaped cloud. 

Susy’s tactic of asking stupid questions is interrupted by a sinister woman wrapped up in a binbag, presumably for protection against the mild and pleasant weather. She sounds evil to the bone – another obvious sign of being a Muslim, I presume. Amir protests he’s not finished, and she answers, Bond villain like, ‘Yes you are!’. I can only imagine he is taken away and liquidated in her underground cavern of Eeeeeeeevil. We never see him again. 

Pasty would seem to be heavily sedated in the first panel – large, dilated pupils, vacant smile. The classic signs of Islamic brainwashing, I’m afraid. Susy, on the other hand, looks like a adolescent Maureen Rees with her dumpy, screwed up, porcine features. Token’s smallpox has rearranged itself into a pleasing checked pattern. 

I’m afraid Susy starts a long, theological lecture at this point. The fact that Mohammed says that Adam was ninety feet tall doesn’t add too much to the craziness of the Christian ‘garden-of-Eden-talking-snake-forbidden-fruit’ story, if you ask me. 

I’m pretty sure that God in the Bible does some pretty fucked up shit too, Susy! I don’t know about turning Jews into rats; he did turn Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt – not cool, God, not cool! – and drowned the entire Egyptian army, so he’s not exactly the friendly uncle type. And Christians owned slaves as well, Token, so get off your high horse!

In fact, Token has become a hideously deformed hunchback in panel 2. That’s what exposure to Islam does to you, folks!

 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Getting on to very dodgy ground now, people! “Mohammed was a paedophile.” Yeah, better be able to back that up with some evidence, Susy. I heard Mohammed was an invisible, fire- breathing vampire with laser eyes and six arms!

Token’s face in panel 2 resembles some bizarre new human-rat hybrid.  

The plot thickens… er, actually, no it doesn’t. How long could you put up with a friend like Susy? She turns every little social event into a long, stupifying, religious lecture. What is she – eight? – and I already want her dead. I’m afraid the next few panels are all fairly similar (i.e. boring) so I’ll let them go without comment.

So, in short, the Qu’ran and Islam is based on lies and blatant absurdities. The Bible, on the other hand, with the tale of the Earth and everything on it – including dinosaurs -being created in six days, is entirely accurate and absolutely infallible. Nice work! Susy does make a convincing speaker, though, don’t you think?

Pasty and Token seem to have prematurely aged and now look as if they’re in their late forties as they slump in their garden chairs. Susy can’t have been waffling away that long, surely?

I didn’t realise Jesus was actually a mummy. Either that or someone’s drawn comedy zebra stripes on him for his crucifixion.

Pasty and Token nearly converted to one religion before being browbeaten into joining another – all in the space of a day. By tomorrow they’ll be Buddhists or something; I get the feeling that they’re not cut- out for full time religious devotion.

 So Pasty and Token are saved from becoming Muslims! Hurrah! But those poor Muslims have been lied to by the paedophile prophet Muhammed – boo Muhammed! All in all, a highly sensible, informative and not-at-all-barking-insane comic from that great man – Jack Chick.

So let us take a sober, academic look at the most chilling and effective examples of anti-drug Public Service Announcements (PSA’s). If you are doing drugs RIGHT NOW, I recommend that you perhaps stop before your head explodes and your family disowns you, you drug- abusing scum.

1.

Yeah, that’s some strong-ass pot you’ve got right there if it makes your dog talk to you. In fact, that looks awesome! Just make sure you’ve not got one of these bitch-ass, wussy moaning dogs like Lindsay here is stuck with. Bummer, man. Who wants a health lecture off a mangy mongrel anyway?

What would make this advert better: The dog has wings. And some novelty sunglasses. And isn’t a whiny little bitch, but says something cool like “Yo, man, I’m soooo fuckin’ high! Wanna go halves on a king- size meat- feast pizza?”

2.

I had never realised there were such an epidemic of 10- year old American schoolchildren dying after ‘one hit’ of… well, one hit of what? Cyanide? Anthrax? WHAT DID THE KID TAKE? HOW DO I KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO KILL ME?

What would make this advert better: If the mother said, “Make sure you can handle your drugs, unlike my little pussy son who died off of one hit, the lightweight” at the end.

3.

Of course half a hit of E ain’t fun! You need at least 2, silly bitch.

What would make this advert better: If she were shown being haunted by the ghosts of native American warriors because the nightclub is built on an ancient Indian Burial Ground.

4.

They said drugs would make you cool, hmm? It’s a collective ‘you’. It doesn’t mean ‘you’ in particular, chubby Latino kid!

What would make this advert better: If he said, “They said drugs would make you be able to move in a cool stop- motion style across your garage like a Japanese horror film villain.”

5 .

Yeah, my mum often took advice from computer games when I was growing up. How else do you think I turned out so normal and well- adjusted?

What would make this advert better: If the computer game character threatened to put “a cap in yo’ ass!” That’s funny because they are American and Americans all speak like that.

6.

Fuck me two ways til Wednesday, what’s this? It must be a piss- take… say what? It’s real? The Police Force actually released this? Well, I’m convinced, no more meth for me… they have Jedi Cops!

What would make this video better: Nothing on Earth could improve this masterpiece. Jedi… Cops. Motherfuckin’ Jedi Cops.

7.

Oh, Michaelangelo, when will you learn? If some turkey offers you drugs, get a teacher, not some pizza! Silly turtle. On a serious note… why is a ten- year old offering a six- year old pot? Does this happen a lot in America? Are the Turtles always on hand to save the day?

What would improve this advert: If Optimus Prime had some kind of cameo this would be the raddest advert ever.

Join me next time I can be bothered to update my blog as I lazily find some more stupid shit on the internet to write about!