Have you ever read a comic book and thought, ‘Well it’s alright I suppose… meh, personally I thought it could use a little more militant Christian theology, and I wish it were drawn, oooh, at least 65% more crappily’? Well, thank God (literally) for Jack Chick! This American ‘artist’ - for wont of a better word – has been steadily producing Evangelical cartoon tracts that veer from the awkwardly racist to the downright ‘God-is-talking-to-me-through-my-dog-Ezekiel’ lunatic for over 35 years, and it doesn’t look like he’s going to stop any time soon. His website (www.chick.com) contains over 2oo amusingly insane poorly drawn comics. So let’s catch up! Chick’s subject matters cover a wide range of topics: rock’n'roll music, the Holocaust, Catholicism, Santa and the Easter Bunny, paedophilia and, er, Dungeons & Dragons. Oh, and of course… Islam. Gulp.

This doesn’t look good.

Notice immediately the instense awfulness of the illustration, and the ability of characters to speak in italics and bold. These will become a recurring features, never fear! All ethnic characters skin tones are rendered as if they are all infected with smallpox pustules.

It’s about to get interesting though – in the second panel two fifty- foot women have exciting news for Susy!

 

Are they all supposed to look like they are made out of dough in the first panel? They are the three ugliest characters imaginably, and yes, they’re our heroines! Oh joy unconfined. Something about the scenario doesn’t quite ring true either… the new next door neighbour Amir has been chatting Pasty and Token (as they shall be referred to henceforth) up with Islam? Smooth moves, Casanova.

Seriously, what the hell’s with the eyepatch? Why does Grandpa look like a 1930’s Southern slave- owner? He looks like he should be sat on the back porch smoking a pipe whipping his plucky Negro slaves. Imagining he’s Carter Pewterschmitt from Family Guy makes all his dialogue more amusing.

In the first panel, Carter’s head and shoulders are floating in a gigantic steaming cup of tea. I have no idea why.

 

Is religion all these kids talk about? Amir with his Islam, Susy with her Jesus…                But wait! the plot thickens. There’s danger afoot. It must be real danger to warrant italics and bold!

In the second panel Susy prepares for the straitjacket that inevitably awaits her at some point in the future.

 More random bold italics flung around here. Don’t ever trust those girls! I heard they give out on a first date. Carter promises to tell what he knows and proceeds to get his shit wrong in the first sentence – I’m pretty sure Allah is God? Oh well, nice try buddy.

The last sentence sounds like football commentary. “The big man who set it up is called the prophet Mohammed… you can see him coming round, over the defender at the far post – good leap, great header and it’s a simple tap- in for Rooney in the middle!”

      

 Grandpa is ageing by the minute it seems and now looks like an elderly one- eyed Hitler impersonator. But, yeah, I’d totally trust his views on the veracity of the fundamentals of a religion worshipped by at least a billion people worldwide. Susy is all ears. I’d actualy say she’s no ears at all and all eyes, ha!… Ooops, sorry, that’s not a good joke to make around Grandpa, is it? Oooh… ouch.

 

 So… that’s ALL you know about Islam, then, Grandpa? Yes, a very detailed and convincing argument. I have no intention of debating theology with you, Grandpa Hitler-Pewtershmitt, but I’m pretty sure you’re wrong.

 

Pasty’s eyes have migrated apart several inches overnight, it would appear. She kind of looks like the bastard love child of Gollum and Roger Rabbit. And do you really just say some magic words to become Muslim – a ’say-Candyman-three-times-whilst-looking-into-the-mirror’ kind of deal? 

Susy’s hand is deformed as hell. It looks like a slab of meat with stubby tentacles being waved on the end of a pole. I like to think she’s performing a John McClane-esque dive between her friends and the heresy of Amir. Her oratory talents get even better – she can vocally underline words now, and change the size of her font! This girl’s going places! As long as those places are a long way from where I am.

Token’s smallpox is definitely getting worse.   

 

This is the same Amir that Pasty described as ‘cute’ earlier on, right? Well, yes, if your idea of cute is a pair of enormous, wonky, hate- filled eyes and a mouth twisted into a grotesque sneer. We get two questions that Susy damn well knows the answer to. I haven’t got time for this crap, Susy. Get to the point! Amir is amazed by Susy’s extensive knowledge of Islam. I get the feeling Amir would be amazed by a plastic bag dancing in the wind, or a funny shaped cloud. 

Susy’s tactic of asking stupid questions is interrupted by a sinister woman wrapped up in a binbag, presumably for protection against the mild and pleasant weather. She sounds evil to the bone – another obvious sign of being a Muslim, I presume. Amir protests he’s not finished, and she answers, Bond villain like, ‘Yes you are!’. I can only imagine he is taken away and liquidated in her underground cavern of Eeeeeeeevil. We never see him again. 

  

Pasty would seem to be heavily sedated in the first panel – large, dilated pupils, vacant smile. The classic signs of Islamic brainwashing, I’m afraid. Susy, on the other hand, looks like a adolescent Maureen Rees with her dumpy, screwed up, porcine features. Token’s smallpox has rearranged itself into a pleasing checked pattern. 

I’m afraid Susy starts a long, theological lecture at this point. The fact that Mohammed says that Adam was ninety feet tall doesn’t add too much to the craziness of the Christian ‘garden-of-Eden-talking-snake-forbidden-fruit’ story, if you ask me. 

 

I’m pretty sure that God in the Bible does some pretty fucked up shit too, Susy! I don’t know about turning Jews into rats; he did turn Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt – not cool, God, not cool! – and drowned the entire Egyptian army, so he’s not exactly the friendly uncle type. And Christians owned slaves as well, Token, so get off your high horse!

In fact, Token has become a hideously deformed hunchback in panel 2. That’s what exposure to Islam does to you, folks!

 

 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Getting on to very dodgy ground now, people! “Mohammed was a paedophile.” Yeah, better be able to back that up with some evidence, Susy. I heard Mohammed was an invisible, fire- breathing vampire with laser eyes and six arms!

Token’s face in panel 2 resembles some bizarre new human-rat hybrid.  

The plot thickens… er, actually, no it doesn’t. How long could you put up with a friend like Susy? She turns every little social event into a long, stupifying, religious lecture. What is she – eight? – and I already want her dead. I’m afraid the next few panels are all fairly similar (i.e. boring) so I’ll let them go without comment.

     

So, in short, the Qu’ran and Islam is based on lies and blatant absurdities. The Bible, on the other hand, with the tale of the Earth and everything on it – including dinosaurs -being created in six days, is entirely accurate and absolutely infallible. Nice work! Susy does make a convincing speaker, though, don’t you think?

Pasty and Token seem to have prematurely aged and now look as if they’re in their late forties as they slump in their garden chairs. Susy can’t have been waffling away that long, surely?

I didn’t realise Jesus was actually a mummy. Either that or someone’s drawn comedy zebra stripes on him for his crucifixion.

Pasty and Token nearly converted to one religion before being browbeaten into joining another – all in the space of a day. By tomorrow they’ll be Buddhists or something; I get the feeling that they’re not cut- out for full time religious devotion.

 So Pasty and Token are saved from becoming Muslims! Hurrah! But those poor Muslims have been lied to by the paedophile prophet Muhammed – boo Muhammed! All in all, a highly sensible, informative and not-at-all-barking-insane comic from that great man – Jack Chick.