Drugs Are Bad! (The Internet Told Me)

Drugs are not a fantastic miracle-cure for all the world’s ills, as I was initially led to believe by a vast international conspiracy which includes the liberal left- wing media, terrorists, Communists and that guy from the Cillit Bang commercials. In fact, they are the opposite. Thanks to youtube and the American government, I now can exclusively provide you with the truth, the truth your dealer does not want you to hear: DRUGS ARE BAD!

So let us take a sober, academic look at the most chilling and effective examples of anti-drug Public Service Announcements (PSA’s). If you are doing drugs RIGHT NOW, I recommend that you perhaps stop before your head explodes and your family disowns you, you drug- abusing scum.

1.

Yeah, that’s some strong-ass pot you’ve got right there if it makes your dog talk to you. In fact, that looks awesome! Just make sure you’ve not got one of these bitch-ass, wussy moaning dogs like Lindsay here is stuck with. Bummer, man. Who wants a health lecture off a mangy mongrel anyway?

What would make this advert better: The dog has wings. And some novelty sunglasses. And isn’t a whiny little bitch, but says something cool like “Yo, man, I’m soooo fuckin’ high! Wanna go halves on a king- size meat- feast pizza?”

2.

I had never realised there were such an epidemic of 10- year old American schoolchildren dying after ‘one hit’ of… well, one hit of what? Cyanide? Anthrax? WHAT DID THE KID TAKE? HOW DO I KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO KILL ME?

What would make this advert better: If the mother said, “Make sure you can handle your drugs, unlike my little pussy son who died off of one hit, the lightweight” at the end.

3.

Of course half a hit of E ain’t fun! You need at least 2, silly bitch.

What would make this advert better: If she were shown being haunted by the ghosts of native American warriors because the nightclub is built on an ancient Indian Burial Ground.

4.

They said drugs would make you cool, hmm? It’s a collective ‘you’. It doesn’t mean ‘you’ in particular, chubby Latino kid!

What would make this advert better: If he said, “They said drugs would make you be able to move in a cool stop- motion style across your garage like a Japanese horror film villain.”

5 .

Yeah, my mum often took advice from computer games when I was growing up. How else do you think I turned out so normal and well- adjusted?

What would make this advert better: If the computer game character threatened to put “a cap in yo’ ass!” That’s funny because they are American and Americans all speak like that.

6.

Fuck me two ways til Wednesday, what’s this? It must be a piss- take… say what? It’s real? The Police Force actually released this? Well, I’m convinced, no more meth for me… they have Jedi Cops!

What would make this video better: Nothing on Earth could improve this masterpiece. Jedi… Cops. Motherfuckin’ Jedi Cops.

7.

Oh, Michaelangelo, when will you learn? If some turkey offers you drugs, get a teacher, not some pizza! Silly turtle. On a serious note… why is a ten- year old offering a six- year old pot? Does this happen a lot in America? Are the Turtles always on hand to save the day?

What would improve this advert: If Optimus Prime had some kind of cameo this would be the raddest advert ever.

Join me next time I can be bothered to update my blog as I lazily find some more stupid shit on the internet to write about!